ARGUMENTS CAN RUIN YOUR MARRIAGE

Talk to the handEse and John had not been in talking terms for almost a week and she was not ready to end the silent war until John acknowledges his wrongs and apologizes. In their six years of marriage, John had concluded that Ese had an attitude he wished he noticed before he married her. She hardly let go off issues no matter how much he apologized. One misunderstanding usually leads to another and she wouldn’t stop talking about it maliciously until she was satisfied. His only concern was that their children could be misguided on what a happy home should be.

On this morning, John’s mother had called to say she needed some money urgently for an undisclosed project. Considering that their purse hasn’t been that rosy, Ese felt John should have told his mother that they did not have enough money to spare.

“Ese, this is MY MOTHER we are talking about here and not just some neighbour! I am writing her a cheque.” He said trying to control his anger.

“John, you would do no such thing! Let her go to her siblings.  Let her go to your brother or sister, you are not the only child. We still have bills to take care of!” Her voice was loud and shaky. John is as impossible as his mother. She thought.

They already had an argument over-night because they had not had sex for five days, either she or John was usually tired or ‘not in the mood.’ John’s mother’s request for money brought fresh arguments that morning as they drove to the office. Ese talked about how angry she had been since the previous month when John’s sister came to ask for school fees and when he bought his father a new pair of shoes. John could not understand why Ese secretarywas not his easy-going secretary with whom he had been confiding lately. She seemed to understand him better than his wife! He wished Ese would just be friends with his secretary and learn from her how to treat a man like him. He knew that was not possible but he had started finding it hard to stay away from fantasizing that secretary could have been his wife. They have started sharing intimate hugs and pecks. Sometimes at work, John would spend the afternoon talking about issues he wished Ese would be patient enough to listen to. Although John kept reminding himself that he was married with children at home he found it hard to stop sharing intimate times with his secretary especially after a misunderstanding with his wife.

Ese was not just suspicious she knew her husband had a confidant aside her but was not sure if it was a male or female. There had been too many arguments in their marriage that they could not remember when or how it started but they were both aware that if they didn’t get help or amicably talk about it their marriage would experience the worse.

Have nothing to do with foolish, ignorant controversies; you know that they breed quarrels. And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil… 2 Timothy 2:23-24 ESV

You must understand that marital problems are natural and peculiar. There is no beautiful marriage that does not have its down times no matter how wonderful a spouse is. Same way that even the most seemingly ugly marriage has also experienced some beautiful times.

There will always be stormy times but you must learn to float, swim or paddle a canoe to get to the other side. Even the seemingly made-in-heaven marriages sometimes do have problems. Seeming professionals and great counselors/teachers in the area of marriage do have their own challenges too. They have only just learnt how to spot a hole of adultery and take hold of the situation before it gets rooted.

Before we met and married our spouses, we were first different individuals from different background, beliefs, principles etc now trying to become one with someone who may totally be the opposite of what we have always known and be. Even siblings and identical twins that are born of and brought up by the same parents do sometimes have problems how much more trying to live with someone totally different, someone that may even be a different race. You only discovered that in the process of uniting with your spouse there would be problems because as necessary as change maybe it is not easily acceptable.

Arguements in marriage may stem from any issue that a couple considers to be important and affects the union (or a spouse) directly or indirectly. These may include; finances, beliefs and principles (as a result of differences in upbringing and environment), infidelity, physical and verbal abuse, loss of a child, childlessness, extended family (in-laws and friends), addictions (not just to drugs or alcohol but a particular nasty habit), health problems, competition of roles (who should do what or be responsible for what), intimacy, boundaries, sex, religion, the list is endless. Many marriages in one way or the other experience one or more of these issues as the couple get to integrate more into the union. This however should not affect the marriage, just let the season pass and you will see that things will become better again.

wed3Sometimes those who have been married for over thirty years or more still have marital problems but are still loving each other! What is keeping them on? By experience, they have learnt how to handle the situation and how not to deal with their spouse. Conflict situations are meant to better the relationship and not to tear it apart. But this largely depends on how each of the partners handles the change when it comes. In later years for most couple, although these issues may still be there but are hardly noticeable because both parties have decided not to let it disturb the love and peace of the marriage. They just choose to ignore it.

Stop the arguements and focus on making your relationship better.

Emike