HOW TO GO DISENTANGLE; breaking up an intending affair

wpid-best-way-to-get-over-a-break-upDisentanglement is the act of releasing from a snarled or tangled condition. A process of setting free; breaking the prison doors and letting loose. Do not be deceived, disentangling is not as easy as it seems or as people talk about it. It is going to break your heart and even hurt you till you cry, but if you know it is good for you and the happiness you share with your spouse then you will do it. This is not an overnight experience that you will feel everything will be normal and you will be instantly healed.  No way! It will take a lot of painful fights and strong will. It is going to be a process just as it took to create. You are going to allow some time and space for healing and to realize the lessons in the relationship. Yes lessons! At least you have learnt that a temporary feeling is not worth putting your emotion and marriage under stress.

  1. Back off! Just stop seeing the person! First take the decision and convince yourself that you can do it. Do all you can to stay away. Cry if you want but stay away.
  2. Bring back the Boundaries. Before you got to being entangled, there were limits to the friendship you had with this person. Go back and reintroduce them. Cut the excess familiarity.
  3. Clarity of communication. If you work in the same environment especially, it means you will still have to come in contact and cannot totally avoid him or her but you should be able to talk and discuss in plain terms. Not using the same coded languages you are used to in the entangled relationship.
  4. . Honest self-evaluation. Know yourself and be honest! Are you the one who is seeking and being pushy about being loved and getting attention? Then get counsel before the other partner takes advantage of this need and turns you into a sexual partner.
  5. Guard your heart. Don’t make your best friend someone you already have attractions for. Do not confide and share secrets or discuss personal issues with someone you already feel something for. It will encourage entanglement faster
  6.  Know when to say good bye. This is the hardest part for some people; they want to leave but do not want to close the door! Just in case they change their mind and come back. When you suspect that your feelins are leading you astray, say that goodbye and walk away.
  7. Know when to stop the conversation or be in control. You do not have to answer the phone call if you cannot handle it. Ignore it. If you let the other partner be in control of the conversation when they are not ready to disentangle, they are likely going to talk you more into the relationship. So if you are not in control of the discussion don’t get involved.
  8. Get a positive distraction. The truth is when in the process of disentangling, you are likely going to have your thoughts filled with this person than when you were in the relationship, this thoughts will make you feel you miss them and wish you can still continue. Instead of wallowing in this fantasy get involved in something that would get your mind off the thought. Get involved in what you love doing most, maybe your hobby.
  9. Move if you have to. Don’t fight it. If you cannot seem to get over that neighbour, colleague or anyone you are involved with, change location if you have to. Don’t pretend about it or try to manage it especially when the other person is not giving up on you or respecting your decision to disentangle.

10. Avoid being alone with the partner. Attractions race faster when in private and the longing to kiss and touch sensitive parts of the body is at the tip of the finger when alone.

11. Do not trust your emotions. Sometimes when we think we are done with the person and the feeling we have for them, our emotions can betray us when we come in contact with that person. Do not let your emotions play a trick on you. Those emotions are really stronger than you think. Be wise enough not to throw a beautiful marital relationship away for something that is not worth it.

12. Don’t keep talking about it once you have made the decision. Do everything to stick to it. You have made the decision, so move on. Do not revisit it. A come back would be a quick ticket to marital infidelity.

13. Do not apologise or give unnecesary explanations for deciding to disentangle. It is your life, your emotions and you have to guard your heart with all the care you have. Apologies and explanations will make you seem like you are not sure of the decision you took and your partner would see it as your way of coming back.

14. Call a trusted friend. Talk to someone. Sometimes, disentangling can be a very TOUGH road and you do not want to walk it alone. After you have tried all you could and seem not to be able to get the person out of your life, talking to a trusted friend can not only be soothing but helpful. A friend may not be able to solve the problem immediately but will ease the burden off your heart.

15. Cry, mourn if you need to but just remember to move on with your life! Ok you felt in love but it was not right. The times you spent together were memorable but you had to stop. Good. Now face reality and get on with your life.

I HAVE NEVER HAD A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP

Worried businesswomanI am 36 and I have never had a serious relationship. I cannot really say if I have even had a boy friend or what I would consider a serious relationship. It seems the guys I like and would love to date are not interested in me; none has dared to be intimate with me as I want. I had sex last when I was a teen. I miss and still crave the experience but I am afraid I do not want to give sex to just anyone. I am not that pretty neither do I have that kind of great shape that would make heads turn, but I do not believe I am ugly either. I am just okay for a lady but I do not know why none is yet to be serious with me. I feel am getting old and time is running out on me.

 Mercy*

Dear Mercy, I am not sure you are as worse as you make yourself seem in this letter. You mention some very important things that suggest you may be looking for love in the wrong places and with the wrong ideas in mind. The first thing you said is: the guys I like and would love to date are not interested in me. That means there are guys that are interested in dating you but you are not interested in them! Then you talked about sex and how much you miss the experience and crave for it. I hope this does not mean that the next man that comes your way just asking you for a lunch date you are going to sleep with him assuming that he is the right person.

You added I am not that pretty neither do I have that kind of great shape that would make heads turn, but I do not believe I am ugly either  and ended with a desperate comment!

You need to examine what you are really interested in and what you are expecting. Know what you want in a man and what you are expecting from your man. There are seemingly not-too-pretty women who are never without a man, the same way there are very pretty women who have never been in a serious relationship.

The women without partner stay in their zone and wait patiently for the right one to come. That does not mean there are men who are too good for them; it means they do not force a compatibility that is not there.

What are your criteria for your desired man? Are you looking for something that is just on the surface, tall, dark and handsome? Straight nose, broad chest, sparkling teeth? Are you moving too fast? Are you expecting too much? Are you dismissing men who may be potential serious relationship because you are too focused on what has proven not to work or did not work in the past? If you want a different result, you have to do something differently. If the criteria you are using is not working, you need to rework your plan.

You must have noticed women who you do not think measure up to you are either in serious relationships, engaged or even happily married.

A pretty woman like some model may be every man’s dream, but they also have thier own share of heartaches. Not every pretty woman is in a relationship and not all of them who are in a relationship are having fun. Movie stars and celebrities get divorced and dumped, worse of all in public! Your looks does not guarantee you happiness and no man takes your heart with him when he walks out the door. Well, excett you let him.

Are men driven by looks? Can a man want to date you because of your looks? Yes. To their credit, but when they want something deeper, they look beyond looks. Why are you assuming it is your looks anyway?

If you hear your clock ticking, reminding you of how old you are and how time is running out on you, chances are they (men) hear it too and to someone else whether it is a man or a lady, it sounds like desperation. That  is a HUGE turn off unless you find someone who is as desperate as you and that is not good basis for a relationship.

 You need to take a step backward and reacccess. Look at what you want in realistic way. Love is not something you rush into. Even if you have an instant reaction to someone, you need to make realistic decisions about how you will act. Enjoy the moment instead of projecting your future on the men you meet. Start by simply meeting with people. Get comfortable with that and you will start noticing realistically what men you attract and who you are attracted to. Then, you can start building towards friendship. Once you are comfortable there, you can start looking at long term relationships. It could take weeks, months or even years, but until you get there, you will be learning more about yourself, what you like or dislike in preparation for Mr. Right.

*Not real name

BIG ISSUES IN MARRIAGE THAT APPEARS SMALL 1

MONEY IS A BIG ISSUE

naira_883674094Temisan was still bent on buying the black dinner dress she saw on her way home that evening. She thought it was lovely and would look nice on her when she wears it on their second wedding anniversary dinner.

“Temi, that dress is way too expensive. Our budget is tight and you won’t even wear that dress for long with the baby on the way.” Thompson was trying not to get angry about the dress again. They have been on this dress for three days and he felt it was just one of the ways Temi wasted their hard earned money.

“I can always wear the dress after the baby. And we can afford it. You told me you just got a rise in pay.” She was determined.

“You also got promoted. So use your money! I don’t have money to buy you anohter dress after the ones I have bought during our last vacation. You have not even worn most of them.”

“Fine. Then I will withdraw some money tomorow from the Joint Account.”

“You better don’t go there! That money is not for fivololities! Use your salary!” This time the fire of anger showed in his eyes.

“I just hate your attitude when it comes to money, yet you say you love me and you won’t buy me what I asked. Just a dress.” she started to sob remembering all the nice times they had while dating. Tom was sweet and charming, he bought her everything she requested without asking what she needed them for. He changed right after marriage. She wished she knew then that he was only pretending.

Thompsom took a pillow and started to walk out of the bedroom.

“I know you don’t care! Go! Go and sleep in the guestroom as you usually do after every money talk.” She exploded into a louder sob as Thompson slammed the door hard behind him.

For a long time he couldnt sleep. He kept wondering if Temisan was being influenced by some new friends at her place of work. She never was this demanding and was content with whatever she had. Worse of all she had become unresasonable about spending. Why would she understand that a raise in salary does not necessarily translate to increasing expenses. Their two years dating and courtship was almost hitch-free but their two years of living together as husband and wife has been the opposite.

The money fights between Temisan and Thompson and some couples is not uncommon. It is in fact one of the most causes of marital misunderstanding and even break up. One of the best and most effective way of settling this type difference is to talk about it.

It is one of the most frequent causes of marital friction. If you haven’t talked about it before the wedding, talk about it now. The sooner you establish a spending plan and agree on it, the more arguments you’ll avoid down the line.