How do I stop having sex?

 nosexI am 19, 200Level and I have been dating a guy in my school for about a year. We are really in love and we hope to get married in five years time. We have been having sex at least twice a month since we started dating. Although we use contraceptives I am really scared of getting pregnant especially becuase my Mom is a pastor. I want to stop having sex, at least for now but each time I tell my boyfriend, he says I don’t love him. I don’t want to loose him.

Jane*

Dear Jane*,

While it is not surprising to have a boyfriend at 19 these days, you need to urgently slow down or discontinue your relatioship with your boyfriend before you cause yourself more heartaches. Although you have a good intention – marriage in mind but you have started your relationship with a wrong foot. I am guessing you started having sex right after you met, meaning your friendship is largely sustained by sex and not true love. Marriage or a long term relationship with your partner needs much more than sex to be sustained.

At this stage, you should be more focus on your education and making the best grades rather than a guy who won’t love you because you do not want to have sex with him.

At your age, I strongly encourage you to practise abstinence, when you do there will be no need getting scared of whether you are going to be pregnant or not. Contraceptives are originally meant for family planning and not to ‘put your mind at rest’ when you sleep with your boyfriend.

Being in love takes more than just the feeling to have sex. You can have sex with someone without being in love with the person and you can truly love a person and not have sex with the person until the time is right.

If you are really in love like you state then both of you should be able to keep it ‘clean’ now as you also stated that you intend to get married in five years time. Five years is a long time  and your perception of what true love means may change. You cannot even guarantee that you will still be in love with that person. This is the more reason you should focus on how to better your life. One other way to handle this is to talk to an older person, a parent or a counselor to guide you.

If you want to stop having sex with your boyfriend, you have to stop seeing him. There will not be much strenght to resist his demand for sex if you are still seeing him. This may be hard but not impossible because if he insists that you do not love him because you refuse to sleep with him it means that he only loves your body, the sex you give to him and does not care about you and your heart. The possibility is that he will be sleeping with someone else or even having several sexual partners. Guard and protect your heart, emotions and face your studies. A better man will come your way when the time is right and not love you because of the sex you are going to give him but for WHO YOU  ARE!

I hope this helps.

Emike Oyemade

*Jane is not a real name

Lack Of Inner Satisfaction Can Lead To Extra Marital Affairs

extra_marital_affairsThree years after Titi got married she was not as happy and satisfied as she had expected. She thought she probably got married for the wrong reasons. She was really never a happy person as a single lady. Not only was she from a poor background she was also from a broken home. She had thought that once she was married to Chidi all that would change. Although Chidi was well-to-do but he was not as ‘rich’ as Titi thought he was. She still wanted to own all the things she was not privileged growing up. Whenever she and Chidi had a misunderstanding she always felt it will lead to a break up. She was not only unhappy with her marriage; she also felt it would not last a long time. Confiding in her boss of her many fears about her marriage, he started to meet some of her financial and emotional needs while ‘counseling’ her on how to handle the situation. “If only I had met you before I married Chidi all these wouldn’t be happening to me.” She said one day while he wrote her a cheque to augment the money Chidi gave her that month for house keep. Quickly an affair started between them and Titi had ‘justifiable’ reasons – she was ‘helping’ Chidi with some of his unmet responsibilities.

Very helpful indeed!

When at 32 he was still single, Efe had every cause to be worried why his relationships hardly last up to six months. It will usually start rosy and assuring that he would get married to the lady then things will just go sour. One of his ex had once told him that ‘his standards’ were ‘too high’ for any lady to attain. All Efe wanted was a woman just like his mother. There were many qualities in his mother that made him conclude that she was the picture of an ideal woman. A typical African woman in ALL ramifications.

He started a relationship with an older colleague who he thought was so much alike with his mother in many ways. Sadly, this colleague was married so the relationship was just about satisfying fleshly lust. She was taken! He eventually got married to a divorcee but was not happy being married. He wished he had remained single.

I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. Psalm 139:14

Affairs sometimes may be an indication of our inability to find satisfaction first as a person – who we really are. Funny how some people wish they were someone else. They want to talk, walk, dress and even breath like someone else! When we fail to appreciate whoever we are, we begin to look for who we think we should be in others.  The truth is that if you were never happy been single, there’s no way you are going to be happy being married. You have to be happy with who you are first! Unfortunately as some may believe our happiness is not dependent on others or what they do for us but ourselves. If you were not satisfied with other areas of your life, do not expect that marriage is going to do the magic, it may make it worse. You cannot give your best to your partner or to the relationship being unappreciative of yourself and your uniqueness.

Sometimes because of our experiences in past relationships we tend to place unrealistic expectations on marriage. When we do not get this from our spouse, the tendency is to seek it somewhere and from someone other than the spouse we once loved deeply. For instance, some people may believe in ‘love conquers all’ so they would prefer to ignore the little mistakes a spouse does and pretend not to see all the faults. For others it may not just work that way, they would prefer to ‘talk’ about the mistakes and faults so it does not happen again. So it will be unfair for you to think your relationship is not working or your spouse is being unreasonable if they do not buy into your idea of ‘love conquers all.” That you both are married does not necessarily mean he or she must do things your way.

Inner satisfaction is a treasure no one can give you no matter how hard they try or how expensive the gift they give you. It just lies within you and you have to reach deep within to get it and let it positively affect other areas of your life or else you will not get the best out of life itself. The truth is, when you are not satisfied with yourself  or when you do not appreciate yourself, there is no guarantee that you will even be satisfied with the person you are sleeping with. It’s just like looking for answers in the wrong places.

Be happy with yourself first before trying to make another person happy!

Emike Oyemade