My wife believed I was sleeping with her sister*

black-couple-arguing-pf2Valentine may have come and gone but I never forget the memories. I infact wake up almost everyday wishing I didn’t believe in Valentine or have to celebrate special days with my wife. I made one valentine mistake and I am still living with it. No matter how hard I try to make things right, it just doesn’t work so I decided to write this to you.

Usually for Valentine period, I would not only buy gifts for my wife but also my children and some friends at work. I simply loved the feel of that day. I would close early and have dinner out with my wife without the children. That dinner usually remind me of when we were courting. I loved the stories my wife would share. She amazingly keeps all the details of every moment we shared together. Recounting them, we would laugh and tease about everything. Valentine day was usually special until her sister came to live with us briefly.

Adeola is my wife’s older sister. She lived in Ibadan where the rest of the family members are. Three years older than my wife Lola. The women are very close, they infact relate more like friends than sisters. Adeola never really visited our home as I expected instead she called Lola nearly every hour. I guess it is because at almost 40 she is not in any serious relationship. I related with her from a distance but it was nothing bad.

Two years ago in January, Lola informed me that Adeola’s supposed fiance called off their engagement without a reason. Lola claimed Adeola was very traumatised and it would be nice to invite her to live with us for a while. I didn’t have a problem with that and we had enough space to accomodate her. Besides our children are also fond of her.

January 2nd, 2012 on my return from work Adeola was already in our home and settled into one of the guest’s rooms. For the next three days, I didn’t set my eyes on her; she would either still be sleeping while I leave for the office or just retiring to bed on my return. Lola and I decided to help her get out of the hurting mood. We took her to our favourite spot on the Island to eat roasted fish. The next day we went again to Waterfront just to watch the water. By our third outing, I noticed that Adeola was loosing up. She talked and laughed freely and I was glad we could be of help.

In three weeks, Adeola transformed from the hurting to a cheerful and beautiful woman. She cared for our home, children and did everything like she is my wife! At first I didn’t bother since I saw her like a sister. Then she got a job and told us she didn’t want to go back to Ibadan. According to her, a new life in Lagos would be the best.

Somehow, I grew fond of Adeola to the knowledge of my wife who even teases me about it. She calls her “your second wife”. True to my wife’s words, there was a growing bond between Adeola and I. I knew it was not right so I set the boundaries and stopped some of the things I used to do with her or for her but I could not tell my wife about it. I would find myself missing her or thinking about a hug we shared or just longing to be with her. I severally resisted the temptation to ask her out for lunch. I compared her on several occassion with her sister, my wife. Although I concluded that my wife is a wonderful person, I imagined what it would have been like marrying Adeola. She is more homely and smarter than my wife. And prettier I think.

I began to look for ways to be in her company even at home. There were also indication that Adeola knew my struggles but was waiting for me to come open. Then came Valentine! In my excitement I told my wife what she thought if I bought Adeola a gift too. She approved the idea and encouraged me to get something really nice. I shopped at a lingerie shop at Allen. I had seen these beautiful pairs a week before and they were still available. They were lace red, my wife’s favourite colors. I bought two same pairs, two same perfumes, two same silver earrings and two boxes of chocolates. Yes and was given petals for free at the shop.

To create the surprise, I sprinkled the petals on our bed and allowed the wrapped gifts stay at a corner. I did exactly same for the sister. I even took pictures of the two bedroom and uploaded straight away to Facebook.

This was were trouble started as my wife found everything wrong with what I have done and called me a “useless cheat”. She said Adeola is an ingrate and a betrayal. She started asking how long have I been sleeping with her sister and what else have we done that she didn’t know. I tried explaining but she won’t listen. We all went to bed in tears that night.

Before dawn, Adeola was gone and could not be reached on phone. My wife left for the office and never spoke again of the inccident. I live with this guilt and confusion, things are not the way they use to be. I love my wife but we are not friends anymore. I desired her sister but I wish my wife would believe me when I tell her I never slept with her. I do not know where Adeola is and I cannot ask my wife because she still believes I am seeing her. I really want to have a good marriage and I need more cooperation from my wife. Now she calls me names at the slightest provocation and says “you can go sleep with your girlfriend if you like.” Worse of all I do not want my children to believe a lie about me.

This is a contribution from one of our readers.

Marriage Takes More Than Being In Love

black-couple“Why do you want to marry him?”

The counselor asked me when my fiance and I started our marriage counseling class in the church we were to get married.

“I love him. I am really in love with him.” I said very confidently expecting the counselor to nod in approval. Rather, he let out a chuckle and said:

“Marriage is more than being in love because sometimes along the way you are really going to feel you are no longer in love or that you fell in love with the wrong person.” He said very calmly.

“Sir, are you trying to discourage me? This guy is really a good person and one I am sure I could spend the rest of my life with.” I said still confident that I was in love enough to marry him.

“No, I will never discourage anyone from getting married to whoever they desire but I like to tell new couples that while dating and courting are like shadows, marriage is the real image. You have to be sure that that guy is THE PERSON you want to spend the rest of your life with. After the wedding, there will be some changes about and in him that you may not like. I hope you know that then you CANNOT fall out of love with him? Marriage is like entering a room with the lock on the other side; where neither the husband nor the wife can open the door except God. You are stuck in that room with the choice you make.”

I thought about the much he said and still knew I was making a decision of faith! That was how I saw and still see it. Since I could not go into the future to see what ten or twenty years will be like being married to him, I concluded that marriage has to be by faith. You CANNOT know ALL of the other person except as God allows.

“Yes, I still want to marry him in spite of what tomorrow may bring but I know God will not allow me suffer in marriage if He intends it is for good.”

I did not know if I convinced him enough or if he was just doing his job but I knew I wanted to get married at that time though fully aware of the fact challenges would come. For that I was already equipping myself.

One of the lessons I learnt from one of my mentors – Pastor Bimbo Odukoya is that marriage is a ministry – it takes more than just falling in love. It is a responsibility we are accountable for. Unfortunately, most people get married because they are in love and end the marriage when they ‘fall out of love’. Not until I got married and having my own experiences did I understand what my counselor meant when he said, “you CANNOT fall out of love with him.” I discovered that as we grow together and get to understand each other better love grows and flow naturally. We never fall out of love; we only needed to grow more in love!

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love. Proverbs 5:18-19 ESV

The unfortunate truth is, romantic love like other emotions changes with time. As you get used to one another the feeling is no longer the same like when you were dating but does not mean less of what you felt before you got married. The initial excitement and adrenalin of the first few years fades away with the passage of time; especially when the children starts coming and one spouse needs to take a more time consuming job to increase income. It will take each of the spouse deliberate efforts to maintain the thrill and romance so that one is not tempted to seek it outside the home.

Sometimes people find it difficult to deal with this problem as they believe they need the excitement, passion and love rekindled.

A man was flirting with one of the young girls at work and when his friend cautioned him he said, “My wife is old.” It was meant to be a joke but I felt it was a very expensive one when I overheard and wanted to know if he did not know she would grow old before he married her. The issue was they have been married for over fifteen years with three children and he does not find her as attractive as when he married her. He was simply being selfish! Was he was expecting her shape to still be the same with age and after giving birth to three children.

I understand that because of negligence on the part of some women it may make their husband find them unattractive and be tempted by some other woman they find more attractive. A husband should not give the excuse because he wants another woman’s body that is yet to have as much children as his wife or has not seen tolls of years as his wife.

I am not trying to sound hard on men here. It rarely happens to them because our society considers it more shameful for a married woman to see another man. So how come it is almost normal for a married man to be seen with another woman? It is no big deal if a man is CAUGHT having extramarital affairs, but the woman can be banished if she finds herself in same position. It happens even in the church!

It is better to fall in love and remain that way or walk into love and grow than to fall in and fall out. You will eventually fall in love with as many you may not be able to remember.

I wish your union plenty of bliss!

Do You Wish Your Spouse is Someone Else?

black-man-thinking-e1331272149682Four years after Tunji and Sheila got married he felt their marriage was a total blunder. Although there were no major challenges with the marriage but he felt he would have been happier if he had married Nkechi, the girl he dated in the University. He had proposed to Nkechi just before graduation and she didn’t accept his proposal because her parents will not consent to inter-tribal marriage. Two years later, he met and married Sheila but kept a distant and platonic relationship with Nkechi and later her husband. Once in a while Nkechi and her husband would invite Tunji and Sheila for dinner just to keep the friendship. At each visit, Tunji would wonder what a wife Nkechi would have been, he saw it in her husband’s face, he was a very happy man. Tunji wished he was in Nkechi’s husband’s position. Six years after breaking up with his University love, Tunji still felt Nkechi would have being the best for him.

Have you ever being in a situation where you start picturing yourself with another person? Maybe an ex or someone you feel if you would have been better off with if you had married him or her. Nobody knows it but you just wish you were married to someone else you think is better than your spouse. Again, it might not even be an ex, it maybe someone you consider more beautiful or handsome, more intelligent, wealthier, more influential than your spouse. Sometimes, it could even be someone you think is more caring; little things that your spouse remembers or forgets, makes you laugh or respond to your jokes, encourages you to open up, ignore your witnesses or help you improve on them, etc.

While my husband and I were courting, I had a married friend I thought was having the best times in her marriage. She told me of all the wonderful things her husband did for her while they were dating and still do for her, which even included shopping for her. She told me many things that I wished my fiance then, should do for me. I started to consider her luckier than me that I told my fiance I wanted him to do those things for me too. How unfair I was! But I am glad that I didn’t push him too far because I quickly discovered that it was just an unfair and unreasonable comparison that didn’t worth giving a thought to.

Let everyone be sure to do his very best, for then he will have the personal satisfaction of work done well and won’t need to compare himself with someone else. Galatians 6:4 (LB)

When you find yourself comparing your spouse qualities with the qualities you admire in another person you are likely going to think you married the wrong person. The truth is, we easily forget the little things we saw in our spouse that made us agree to marry and spend our lives with them.

A young married man was having a struggle with lust. It started with comparing  a colleague’s physique with his wife’s and wishing that his wife was as ‘shapey’. This colleague had all her statistics well pronounced! He confided in another colleague Steve that he most times fantasizes his female colleague nude and imagines her when he is with his wife. Although he had tried to date one other lady just to fulfil this fantasies but there were more than one woman he had imagined sleeping with. Do you know it is same as having an affair with any of these female colleagues?

The Bible says in Matt 5:28 “But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Steve had same problem when he started working with the organization. How did he overcome this struggle and the temptation to be unfaithful to his wife? First, Steve talked to his wife about his struggle and they sincerely committed it to God to help him deal with it.

While talking to one’s spouse about a sexual struggle one may be having about someone else may work for one, it may not work for another. It may even breed bigger misunderstanding; you have to identify what works for you based on the way you have been relating with your spouse. If you know revealing such truths will hurt the marriage then get a counselor to help you handle the situation.

As harmless as admiring someone who is not your spouse maybe could also lead you to thinking that they could in some ways be better than your spouse. Admiration itself is not bad, but you must watch the motive for such admiration. If a woman gets certain compliments continuously from a man, it may expose them to a situation where the man could be free to say what he is not supposed to say to her. The truth is what you conceive in your heart is what comes out of your mouth. One day what you truly admire will be expressed in action.

Ironically, when one falls into the sin of adultery many tend to think it as something that was not planned for. No! It had all the while being in the heart of the person without realizing that it will soon manifest. Even when no one knows what you are thinking, as you continue to feast your mind on it, it will come to pass.

When you get to a point where you are comparing your spouse to someone else, you have to commit it to God to help you see the good you saw when you decided to marry him or her and deliberately make efforts to improve on your relationship with your spouse to guard against predators.

You will succeed!

PART 5: READ AN EXCERPT FROM MY NEW BOOK #INGLORIOUS SAINT

in glorious (1)Earlier that day, he told her how serious he was. He had a church in mind but he was not ready to tell her. His church. She knew that Ovie was disappointed that he was not given the position but she didn’t expect that he was going to stop attending the church because of that. Iyogho didn’t feel he was doing the right thing but with the tone he said it, she knew he was determined.

“Hello love. Who was that on the phone?” He gave her a light kiss on her lips. Marrying Iyogho was one decision he never regreted. She was perhaps the only right about his life. She was a good woman and indeed a Proverbs 31 woman. For all the money in the world he wouldn’t let her go. He guided her jealously that he monitored her male friends. She was not just a beauty, she was good natured.

“It was Pastor Ejiro.” She hoped he would not ask anymore questions.

“What does he want?” He nuzzled gently behind her ear as usual. His perfume usually was alluring but now she didn’t even smell it. Or maybe it smelt different.

“I called him. I just wanted to know how he was doing.” With all the events of the ordination. She dare not tell him she was going to discuss their idea of changing church. He had warned her not to talk it with anybody until they leave. He really wanted to start his own church and still didn’t know how or when to tell her.

“Have you forgotten he is my favorite pastor? I was just checking on him.” She tried to fake a smile and prayed that settles it. She didn’t intend to tell him a lie, she had never done so but now she will have no choice if he pressed her on why she called Pastor Ejiro. For peace to reign.

“I am starting our own church.” He said suddenly and he noticed the sharp response in Iyogho’s eyes. He had to tell her now. He was already making plans with Tega on renting a hall to start soon. Iyogho, their daugther, Omote and Tega’s family were going to be the first members.

“Why?” The look in her eyes showed that she was impatient to know.

Ovie took a deep breath and looked away. He didn’t want to link starting a church with his ordination denial. “I talked it over with Tega…he advised that starting a church would be fine for me now especially since I have a good experience from the Redemption Church…we will be starting soon and we have found a small hall we may be using…for now. We only just need some capital to start.” Iyogho felt he talked faster than usual and almost incoherent.

He was still talking but Iyogho could not hear the rest of what he was saying. Her eyes fixed on his lips as they moved in motion saying something about more profit in starting and running their own church. Then the name Tega. Tega. Iyogho never understood the friendship between him and her husband. Sometimes she thought he prefered Tega to her. Tega was not just her husband’s friend, he was her rival.

Just as Iyogho had thought, Tega had to be deeply involved in this. He may even be the brain behind starting the church. He had been her worse nightmare since they got married. He had always been a major influence in their marriage Ovie even listen more to him than to her or anyone else. We need some capital to start. Like a church is some business enterprise.

“So…?” She said weakly not sure of what to say next or how to react.

“We may change church first, and then as soon as we can gather much money we go on our own. We will have to pay for a new place, buy furniture and a lot of stuff that will make the place look like a proper church. We do not have that kind of money for now. Tega and I discovered a new church we may attend this Sunday. They need hands to help build the church and I think we will just fit right in…” There was excitement in Tega’s voice. He was finally making a head way to being the person he had always wanted. He had always wanted to be a pastor with a congregation that would make him richer than any pastor that ever lived. “…however, if Tega gets the money he is expecting tomorrow, we will rent a place and start this weekend.” He was hoping to see a corresponding excitement but Iyogho just looked blank and lost. She will adapt he concluded.

Iyogho was lost in his explanation. She was angry but tried not to show it. “Ovie let’s take some time to pray about this. I am just not comfortable about this sudden change of church…starting a church…renting a place…I am not just comfortable.” She almost retorted. She didn’t want to say exactly that she knew he wanted them to leave the church because of the title.

“Haven’t you always been the one who says God is the same everywhere? So, it should not matter what church we attend so long we call on the name of the Lord.” That was the reason he planned to tell anyone who would ask him why he was changing church. God is the same everywhere.

“Ovie this is just too soon, everyone in the church is just going to assume we left because you were not ordained a pastor.” Finally she let it out.

“But that is the truth my dear.” His face changed like he was ready to defend himself. Iyogho thought he would deny it or even be offended.

Go here to read Part 4: https://emikeoyemade.wordpress.com/2014/02/05/part-4-read-an-excerpt-from-my-new-book-inglorious-saint/

Fighting The Demon Called Extramarital Affairs

man-cheatinghelp

To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:10-11 ESV

Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32 ESV

I once read about how a woman stabbed her husband several times to death. His offense? He was having an affair with a colleague, for four years he denied whenever the wife confronted him until she found out that he had a child by same woman!

Life generally is a continuous battle, and especially for a marriage with an unfaithful partner you have to stay strong and be brave. If a spouse falls victim, it could be a very challenging time and worse still if children are involved. However, this is not a time to pity yourself, give up, or be weak. FIGHT BACK!

It is a time to stand up, raise your head up high, squared shoulders and fight with everything within you till you win! It may take you some time or even years but you will surely win if you do not give up.

Here are few suggestions on what you could also do.

  1. OPEN COMMUNICATION. The couple who can talk about almost everything and anything are likely to also talk about each other stuggles with no intension to hurt or spite the other. However, this may not be so easily handled by just anyone as we are mostly jealous and protective of the one we love. Talk about attractions! When open communication is encouraged and maintained it becomes easy to handle attractions that may lead to infidelity. Accept the possibility of being sexually attracted to another person than your spouse. This does not make you a sinner or hellbound. It only shows that you are human, all humans have weaknesses and can be overcome. Talk about it and seek solutions if it grows into having sexual fantasies. Talking to your spouse about your struggle does not mean you are weak, it only proves that you love your partner and want the marriage to work. On the other hand, be sure that your partner is MATURE enough and can handle such discussions.
  2. COMMIT TO GOD. Do not wait for your spouse to fall into the temptation of desiring someone else before you begin to pray for him/her. As often as possible pray for him/her, not just so that they will succeed in other areas of their lives but to succeed in marriage too.  The bible says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In ALL YOUR WAYS acknowledge Him and he shall direct your path. (Proverbs 3:5-6).

It is often said that women pray more for their husbands, than men do for their wives. This should not be the case as the woman too could also be a prey. Husbands need to pray too. If you observe that your spouse has a struggle, negatively talking to them about it or forcing them to change may not work. Prayer can make all that easy if you would committ it to God. Sometimes we are quick to have a change of heart when we think our prayer is not bringing result as quick as we want. Remember change is gradual so you also need to be patient and let God do what only He is capable of.

3. AVOID BAD COMPANY. Cindy’s three years in marriage was nothing but a verbal battle.  She could not understand why Joe would not treat her the way Jerry treated his wife, Tammy. Cindy felt that Jerry treated Tammy like she was the only and most important thing in the world. He adored her and he openly displayed his love for her. Or even the way her younger sister is so queenly treated by her husband. She tried to focus on her husband’s good side while believing that he would become a better husband. Not long she started talking to Clara, one of her childhood friends who advised her to quit her marriage since no man is worth the ‘heartache’. Clara was married thrice and currently living single. The more Clara talked to Cindy about how unworthy men were, the more Cindy is tempted to believe she truely made a mistake marrying and putting up with Joe, men were not worth the stress!.

1Cor. 15:33 “…Bad company corrupts good morals”.

Avoid being influenced by friends, relative or others to make major conclusion about your marriage. Theirs may not be better. Sometimes they are even worse off! Never compare your marriage to another. Many things – pleasant and unpleasant happens behind closed doors, couples just choose not to talk about them. We all wear a smile always while we are working on it. Let no one talk you into committing marital infidelity, you may live the rest of your life regreting.

4. NO ONE IS PERFECT. Romans 3:10 ESV As it is written: “None is righteous, no, not one. Marriage is two imperfect beings helping each other in  love to become better persons. Accept that you are both imperfect. Only God is perfect. This means that either of you has same tendency of falling victims of marital infidelity. This is the more reason you should try to forgive your spouse and render loving-help when they are struggling.

5. REMAIN SEXY. What really attracted your spouse to you when you just met? You have to work on keeping the flame burning. Being sexy is not just about sexual intercourse. It is in fact mostly about attraction. Work on your relationship. Keep your marriage sexy and work to be intimate with your spouse. Make delibrate effort to avoid whatever will come between you and your spouse – be it children, parents, other relatives or even friends and hobbies.

6. MAINTAIN A CLEAN FILE. Peju never makes the mistake of taking calls while with her husband, Deji. Her phone is mostly on silence which makes Deji suspicious of the calls she recieves at certain time of the day. Mostly when they are together at home. He once tried to go through her phone but it had a password and Peju refused telling him her password. Deji had no evidence to prove that Peju was cheating on him but he believed so. Commit to honesty, openness, and authenticity. Give straight answers to questions that may create doubt in your partner’s mind. Lies and deception create a secret life that can even allow an affair to occur.

7. DECLARE YOUR STATUS. Tony had never being a fan of internet social groups until his boss told him they could use the groups to advertise their new product. Few months later, he fell in love with the social media especially FaceBook. He linked up with many old friends and relatives including his wife. One day, while he was surfing he decided to read past comments and post on his wife’s wall when he discovred that his wife status was single. Not married! He quickly summed it up to mean the reason she had more male friends than females and may have ulterior motive for leaving her status as ‘single’. “Something must be fishy” he thought. Make the relationship with your partner an important part of your identity. Always let people know that you are happily married or in a committed relationship. If you think twice or hesitate before answering a question of if you are married or not is an indication that something might be wrong with your relationship. Fix it.

8. MAKE IT WORK.

Marriage can be a hardwork. We are not often told this truth during the long sermons on our wedding day. From my experience, marriage is hardwork! I do not believe good marriages are for weaklings. It takes a delibrate and consistent effort to keep a good marriage. Lots of sacrifice too. Have a mindset that your marriage MUST work. Do not be intimated or discouraged by the increasing number of broken homes or marriages that daily hit the rock. You are different! Make up your mind to make yours work and you will see it happen. Condition your mind to get ready to amicably resolve differences, forgive and love your spouse again when he/she errs.

9. SPEND TIME TOGETHER. The more time you spend together, the less you are going to have time for someone else other than your spouse. The truth is, the person you spend most of your time with, you share better part of your life with. So irrespective of your busy schedule at work make time to spend with your spouse. Make your spouse your favorite recreational companion if possible. Do not make your spouse a housemate, baby making machine, a sex partner or even a house help. Spend time together, without children or friends, not just on weekends and holidays but during the week.

10. KEEP IN TOUCH. Keeping in touch is not intended to become a spy on your spouse or stalk them. Your spouse will know if and when you are lovingly keeping in touch or not. Call home every day when you travel and check on your spouse when at work during the day. We have the tendency to say it is not necessary since you saw your spouse that morning and will go back to them later. It can neved be too much. Otherwise, you begin to have a separate life.

What is the BIG deal about having a blissful marriage?

divorce_2089038bAs a young Christian, I believed that divorcees were hell-bound whatever the reason(s) for being divorced. Don’t condenm me yet. I always heard that “God hates divorce” but never bothered to see what else the Bible says about it. I had a judgmental attitude towards anyone who was divorced or even separated. The more I studied the Scripture the more my understanding got better and broader on what God really desires for us in marriage. Really, He hates divorce because He wants us to be happy with the one and only person we choose to spend the rest of our lives with. So in the entire Bible you discovered that no one is permitted to be in a state of divorced (separated) except for two reasons

  1. In case of marital unfaithfulness in which you can still choose to forgive and love that spouse again. Forgetting the hurts, pain and disappointments and loving the spouse like nothing happened.
  2.  If an unbelieving spouse desires to leave the marriage for no justifiable reason. In which case you can make efforts to bring him or her back except if they have gone ahead to remarry. Then you are free to remarry if you want.

Matt 5:31-32

“It has been said, ‘Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife (or her husband), except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her (or him) to become an adulterous, and anyone who marries the divorced woman (or man) commits adultery.”

This was Jesus speaking here.

And this is what Apostle Paul added in 1 Cor 7:13-14

And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

Are you married? Do not seek a divorce – 1 Cor 7:27

Sadly, this is no longer the case as many married people have other reasons apart from what is in the Bible to be divorced from their spouse so they could marry someone else. Sometime ago I learnt of a popular preacher whose wife went for further study abroad for about a year leaving their three young children for him to look after. After graduation she took up another course that would run for eighteen months. She didn’t check to agree with her husband before taking up the second program but he didn’t object. The more she stayed and studied the more she felt her family should have been living in America in the first place – they had so many opportunities for students that she felt she was finally going to live her dream of being a writer. Good enough a publisher had accepted to publish her first book in America!

Three years later she settled into living in America. She suggested relocating the entire family. Her husband did not buy into the idea, the church was a growing one and needed him to be there.  When her book made the publisher’s bestseller list she got convinced that she should truly stay in America. Taking the children with her, she relocated against the desire of her husband. In less than a year church members had noticed that there was a problem with the marriage, not only were there rumours of the pastor keeping questionable female friends, there were rumours that his wife was involved with someone abroad.

These days attitude towards separation or divorce may be seen as a normal life course even for Christians who are supposed to be examples of what Godly marriage should be. Separation, divorce and remarriage have become an expectation once a spouse decides to pursue an education or career or even other selfish desires.

Divorce is seen as the best and easy way out when the marriage is not working. It now seem like the vow made – to “love till death do us part” is not as strong as it once was, not strong enough as individual desires at the expense of the success of the marriage comes first.

When a spouse chooses a life course above his/her marriage, it leaves the door open for the devil to begin to suggest other ways to fulfil marital desires especially for sexual satisfaction.

I am not a big fan of couples living apart for whatever reasons especially such as just to pursue a career or education or other selfish pursuits. There have been cases where a spouse is living abroad because he/she got a job or the need to further education while the other is in another part of the planet ‘suffering emotionally’. I am not saying this is wrong after all, the Bible says we all have certain measure of grace. If you do not have the grace to live apart from your spouse for such a long time then don’t even settle for it.  Remember also that nearness is dearest.

I wish you all the bliss you desire and joy in your marriage!

PART 4: READ AN EXCERPT FROM MY NEW BOOK #INGLORIOUS SAINT

in glorious (1)Iyogho didn’t need anyone to tell her that something was not right. She had noticed her husband’s strange behaviour especially when they talked about church. She had no doubt that her husband loved God and love to serve Him. That was a major reason she agreed to marry him in the first place. Besides the fact that her choice of husband had to be handsome and hardworking, he had to be one who feared God and goes to church regularly. But lately he had been looking more worried than ever. They had even stopped praying together or talking late into the night as they usually did.

All attempts to talk to him and find out what the matter could be had been futile so she prayed for him instead. If things got worse, she planned to go talk to his father. A thought had crossed her mind on what she suspected might be the reason; why he was withdrawn and looked depressed. It could be about the ordination. Ovie had boasted to Iyogho that he was sure he was going to be ordained; with just two days to the ordination rumour had gone round the church members of those that will be ordained on Sunday and no one had mentioned her husband’s name as one of those to be ordained. It was not an issue Iyogho felt should be her husband’s worry. It simply meant that God didn’t want him to be a pastor. At least not yet.

She needed to talk to someone who would make her feel better.

Pastor Ejiro noticed the urgency in Iyogho’s voice as he clutched the receiver to his ear straining to hear her properly. He imagined she may even be crying but didn’t want him to know. Things haven’t been too smooth between her and Tega and he wasn’t sure what it was about. He preferred to be told than him asking. It may just be some family issue that did not require external interference.

“Iyogho, can’t you talk to me about it on phone? Are you okay?” He was truly concerned and she knew it. Iyogho was like his biological sister and he cared so much for her. “I mean if it is this urgent, go ahead and talk to me.” The more he waited for her to speak up the more he was getting impatient.

“Pastor Ejiro, I errrr…”

Most members prefered to call him Pastor Ejiro, he was a very nice man and one who truly feared God. Iyogho guessed he could be about sixty years old, about the same age her father died. The rest of his family lived in Ghana including his mother who is from Warri where he was born.

“Are you okay? What about your husband? Can I…” Pastor Ejiro understood the silence immediately. It was going to be something private and she had company.

“I will talk to you about it tomorrow after the evening service.” She said in a whisper. Ovie had just entered and she didn’t want him to know that she was talking with someone from the Redemption church.

Pastor Mensah refused the money offered him even when Tega promised to increase it to eight hundred thousand naira. Ovie was highly disappointed while Tega consoled him that there can still be a way to get the position. With every tick of the clock, members of the Redemption Church anticipated when the names of the new pastors will be read to the congregation. Members were seen dropping by the noticeboard nearly every hour to check on the latest information on the ordination. Some who Daddy had specifically handpicked had gone ahead to organise aso-ebi for their family members to wear during the evening celebration service.

Iyogho knew nothing about her husband’s extreme ambition to become a pastor until he started behaving strangely and overheard one of his discussions with Tega.

On the Sunday of the ordination, he was late for the service and sat behind the pew where no one noticed he was there. He left before the ceremony was over. He made up his mind to seriously consider the option Tega suggested to him. To start his own church.

Ovie knew that starting a church would not be as easy as Tega put it especially since he did not have a place where the worshippers will gather. That place had to be somewhere far from the Redemption church, a place where he was not known.

That was the issue Iyogho planned to discuss with Pastor Ejiro. Ovie had expressed to her after that Sunday service of how displeased he was for not been ordained. He mentioned that they would stop attending the church because they were going to start attending another church.

Read Part 3 here:https://emikeoyemade.wordpress.com/2014/01/29/part-3-read-an-excerpt-from-my-new-book-inglorious-saint/

How Fun Is Your Sex Life?

Black-couple-in-bed-II-620x422In some part of my country there is this ignorant saying that “a man should not get used to eating a particular meal.” Meal here is attributed to sex, meaning ‘a man should not get used to sleeping with only his wife! As outrageous as this may be some men adhere to it and even to the knowledge of their wives. Sleeping with his wife ONLY has become a boredom! What a deception!

While in the university I tried talking to a friend, Sam about this issue and I felt he held a wrong view that needed to change. He was engaged to one of the sisters, Jane in the fellowship. Not only were they living togther on campus, he was sleeping with some other girl he had no intention of having any serious relationship with. While I talked with him to stop sleeping with this other girl, I was shocked at his response – “It’s not just her, there are others. I just want to know what it feels like sleeping with other ladies apart from Jane. I am commited to Jane but I do not intend to keep the others. It’s just like a game and I’m winning!” He grinned with mischievious excitement

What! Are the ladies snacks?

I also remember some guy, who was having affairs and was not ashamed of it. When asked why he would be cheating on his lovely wife. He merely said, “She is always too busy to give it to me WHEN I want it.” The emphasis is on ‘when’ because his wife wanted the ‘sex time-table’ to be run according to her desire. I wished I had the opportunity to speak with the wife who spent most of her time outside the country with her mother. Her absense opened the door for him to have affairs. Justified?

Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18 (NLT)

There was also a couple who got separated and later divorced because the husband could not meet up to his wife’s sexual fulfilment. I use to think men crave more for sex until I learnt about this couple. The woman just seemed to want more and was too impatient to help get her husband up to her level. Once she found someone who was her match she started sleeping with him until the marriage collapsed.

Sex is perhaps one of the biggest issues in marriage and the beginning of most challenges in relationships. Sometimes when sex becomes monotonous it can get boring which may cause one partner to seek for new excitement and adventure from someone else. Each sexual experience should be a time when couple should discover something exciting about the act. It may be as little as stroking a finger around the chest or just nuzzling before the main act. Like an artist, discover new ways to present that same act, be creative. Some problems stem from the fact that we think sex is a duty, ‘just go ahead and fulfil so there could be peace in this home.’ If you feel this way, you are not going to enjoy it and you will be pushing your spouse out to ‘locate’ somewhere sex would be given to him/her as fun.

God initiated sex when He instructed Adam to ‘go and multiply.’ Fortunately, He initiated sex in a way that it should be enjoyed if we get creative with it. Sometimes it does not have to be in the room or on the bed. Make use of your guest room or even the sitting room or anywhere else in your home! Your mate is not going to ask ‘why?’ if they are getting as much fun as you are getting. They are many other act you could introduce into your sex-life life to make it something to look forward to. You could read books or ask questions from older and trusted friends but you must understand that they can only suggest because what works for one may not work for the other.

Sometimes, one spouse has a different desire and attitude to sex – one wants more, the other less, one wants it planned, the other wants it at impulse. This is no excuse for the partner who wants more and at impulse to seek the remaining satisfaction from outside. Sexual satisfaction and most activities in marriage is a lot more sacrifice. Every day you keep letting go a little of yourself so you can easily fit in well with your spouse.

Sex is more than just naked bodies lying side-by-side on the bed. It is more than being on cloud nine and not wanting to get down and forget the experience. It is more than just copulation. It is an incorporation of love (care and affection for) and passion (excitement and craze) between two people. In spite of this affection and excitement, with time sex can become uninteresting and lifeless. Dry. And if there is a lack of desire, passion and romance in the relationship it may drive the person to seek it with someone else who would do it differently.

Just as one can be addicted to a hobby, it is also possible to be addicted to sex. This kind of spouse just has some unrestrained appetite to always want to have sex and it is also a reason for people to seek extramarital affairs. To love to have sex is not a sin but to have a desire that only your spouse cannot meet could be dangerous for you and the success of the marriage.

I wish your marriage ultimate excitement!

Marriage Will Not Make You A Happier Person

WeddingThree years after Titi got married she was not as happy and satisfied as she had expected. She concluded she probably got married for the wrong reasons. She was really never a happy person as a single lady. Not only was she from a poor background she was also from a broken home. She had thought that once she was married to Chidi all that would change. Although Chidi was well-to-do but he was not as ‘rich’ as Titi thought he was. She still wanted to own all the things she was not privileged growing up.

Whenever she and Chidi had a misunderstanding she always felt it will lead to a break up. She was not only unhappy with her marriage; she also felt it would not last a long time. Confiding in her boss of her many fears about her marriage, he started to meet some of her financial and emotional needs while ‘counseling’ her on how to handle the situation.

“If only I had met you before I married Chidi all these wouldn’t be happening to me.” She said one day while he wrote her a cheque to augment the money Chidi gave her that month for house keep. Quickly an affair started between them and Titi had ‘justifiable’ reasons for the extramarital affair – she was ‘helping’ Chidi with some of his unmet responsibilities.

Very helpful indeed!

When at 32 he was still single, Efe had every cause to be worried why his relationships hardly lasted up to six months. It will usually start rosy and assuring that he would get married to the lady then things will just go sour. One of his ex had once told him that ‘his standards’ were ‘too high’ for any lady to attain.

All Efe wanted was a woman just like his mother. There were many qualities in his mother that made him conclude that she was the picture of an ideal woman. A typical African woman in ALL ramifications.

He started a relationship with an older colleague who he thought was so much alike with his mother in many ways. Sadly, this colleague was married so the relationship was just about satisfying fleshly lust. She was taken! He eventually got married to a divorcee but was not happy being married. He wished he had remained single.

I will praise You because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made. Your works are wonderful, and I know this very well. Psalm 139:14

Affairs sometimes may be an indication of our inability to find satisfaction first as a person – who we really are. Funny how some people wish they were someone else. They want to talk, walk, dress and even breathe like someone else! When we fail to appreciate whoever we are, we begin to look for who we think we should be in others.  The truth is that if you were never happy been single, there’s no way you are going to be happy being married. You have to be happy with who you are first! Unfortunately as some may believe our happiness is not dependent on others or what they do for us but ourselves. If you were not satisfied with some areas of your life, do not expect that marriage is going to do the magic, it may make it worse. You cannot give your best to your partner or to the relationship being unappreciative of yourself and your uniqueness.

Sometimes because of our experiences in past relationships we tend to place unrealistic expectations on marriage. When we do not get this ‘huge’expectation from our spouse, the tendency is to seek it somewhere and from someone other than the spouse we once claimed to be deeply in love with.

For instance, some people may believe in ‘love conquers all’ so they would prefer to ignore the little mistakes a spouse does and pretend not to see all the faults. For others it may not just work that way, they would prefer to ‘talk’ about the mistakes and faults so it does not happen again. So it will be unfair for you to think your relationship is not working or that your spouse is being unreasonable if they do not buy into your idea of ‘love conquers all.” That you both are married does not necessarily mean he or she must do things your way.

Inner satisfaction is a treasure no one can give you no matter how hard they try or how expensive the gift they give you. It just lies within you and you have to reach deep within to get it and let it positively affect other areas of your life or else you will not get the best out of life itself.

The truth is, when you are not satisfied with yourself  or when you do not appreciate yourself, there is no guarantee that you will even be satisfied with the person you are sleeping with; having an affair with. It’s just like looking for answers in the wrong places.