DEAR EMIKE: MUST WE HAVE SEX?

black-couple-in-bedIn my 4 years of marriage, we have been having sex like nearly everyday except when I am on menses. My husband loves it than anything else. Should sex be a do-or-die affair that must be engaged in on daily basis? Is it food?

Answer:

I have heard the expression severally that sex is like food, and yes, to a certain extent I would agree. When you think about it, apart from the food you eat, what is the next best thing in marriage? When you talk about marriage, affection usually comes to mind and when affection is good it ends up in sex. In that sense, it will be suffice to say one cannot do without it. You should also be glad that he wants it only with YOU. Some men who really want sex that much end up looking for satisfaction besides their wives.

Frequent sex/lovemaking should be encouraged in marriage because it improves intimacy and openness. It helps the marriage become fun and exciting. I dare to say it is a necessity but that is not to say that if you do not engage in sex you are going to die.

The only time scripture allows couples to deny each other is when they, by agreement, decide to abstain in order to pray (and fast). Other times that could call for restraint is during ill health. Therefore, it should not be the practice that you deliberately deprive each other all the time in order to prevent you from running into trouble outside your marriage. In marriage abstinence has to be by mutual consent.

I also do not concur to the school of thought that suggests a regulated sex life in marriage. There should be no time-table for sex. I feel couples should be left alone to decide the frequency that best suits them except they have challenges in their marriages that call for counseling. What I have discovered over time though is that, the man who always desires to have sex everyday and insists on his wife satisfying this desire is the same one who would eventually beg off when his wife decides to match his appetite, giving as much as he does or even more. Hey lady! Give it a try! Dare match it up to him and see the result.

In the case of the woman when she decides to become sexually active, what she initially resisted becomes the natural thing to do. Once she makes up her mind she is going to enjoy sex in her marriage and she deals with any hang-ups she may have had about the act of sex, probably through an understanding and patient husband, she will indeed begin to enjoy sex and would even be the one asking her husband for it.  Eventually, every couple will find their own rhythm and what works well for them.

There are some reasons that deter one from the pleasure and enjoyment of sex namely:

Pain: 

Many women especially from their first introduction to sex complain about pain. For such women, the husbands have to be patient, gentle, and understanding. Such husbands need to teach their wives how best to enjoy sex, best positioning, and once these women get the hang of the act and the pleasure to be attained from it, they lose their fear and begin to enjoy it. They even look forward to such intimacy with their husbands and some would even initiate the act to the delight of many husbands!

Anger:

Loving making is not just about two naked bodies lying in bed, the heart has to be involved to get full satisfaction. Making love from the heart can become difficult when there is an unresolved misunderstanding between spouses. It is a heart thing; it requires your total concentration. You must resolve all forms of conflict and all other matters that might distract you during lovemaking before you actually begin the act. If you are distracted and just want to do it just to get it over and done with, your spouse will notice and be hurt. Therefore, we must learn to forgive and confess our faults to one another.

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