“15 years ago, a man who I trusted and looked up to for protection and care took advantage of me. He did it more than once…I cried until I got used to it. Till date I can still see him coming to me and his face beaming with wicked smiles. I promised to kill him when I grow up but God came into the picture. He died anyway. Then God healed me, I know I am changed but sometimes I can’t stop thinking about how dirty and USED I feel. I can’t even bring myself to start a marital relationship. No man is worth filthy me.”
This is one of my most touching mails in a long time. It brought tears to my eyes but I am grateful to God that you have opened the door of your heart for God. If He started a good work in your life be sure that He will PERFECT it. I know how this feels and I can bet that if you let God in totally then your healing process will be complete. There’s nothing like being free from the pains and hurts of the past; and the freedom to go forward without inhibitions.
It is true that most child rape and sexual abuse happened by those the ‘victim’ trust the most and sometimes those they expect to protect them. Sometimes it is even those they live with and are related by blood. It is never a child’s fault and in most cases there’s not much the child can do except when another adult finds out. The experience is traumatizing for an adult, let alone a child. Sometimes, the negative effects of such experience manifest in adulthood when the ‘victim’ seem to be healed and over it.
A major reason some people still feel guilty, ‘used’ and not being able to get over the experience even when they claim God has intervened is because, they haven’t really forgiven themselves. FORGIVE YOURSELF. The truth is, forgiving someone is easier than forgiving yourself. So you could have forgiven the abuser why you are still seeing all the faults and wrongs in you. This does not mean you will no longer remember the experience; but when it does cross your mind, it will no longer hurt you or make you feel like it just happened. Forgiving yourself takes conscious efforts of loving and appreciating yourself and believing that the plans and purpose of God for your life remains as He intended it inspite of whatever happened.
Jeremiah 29:11-12 “I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. When you call on me, when you come and pray to me, I’ll listen.”
That you were abuse didn’t take Him by surprise neither does it make Him love you less than the rest of the women who have never slept with a man. You still matter to Him and He wants to use you to achieve His plan and purpose.
It is even not advisable to start a marital relationship when you are still hurting or blaming yourself for something that was absolutely not your fault. If you do you are going to make your partner suffer for something they know nothing about.
*Don’t keep hurting, God can use your ‘mess’ for His glory. If you want, I will be here to walk with you, pray with in your total recovery journey.