MY FIANCÉ IS ALWAYS COMPARING ME WITH HIS EX

“I started this relationship last year January, and he proposed to me this year February during Valentine. I accepted to marry but I am not happy with the relationship because right from the start, he’s always comparing me to his ex-girlfriend. At first I thought after a while he would stop but after proposing to me and talking about marriage he never stopped talking about how nice she was and how

he wished the relationship didn’t end. He makes me feel jealous and not appreciated.”

From the onset? Once there is a small sign that may pose a big challenge to your relationship, never ignore or assume it will get better with time. Time may be a healer of hurts but you can save yourself from getting hurt. Deal with it before moving on to the next stage of your relationship. Your assumption could mean an indication that you have accepted whatever the other partner dishes to you whether you find it convenient or not, healthy for the relationship or not.

Most people have been in one or several relationships at some point in their lives before they finally decide who they will marry and spend the rest of their lives with. Making this marital decision is should be carefully taken. Starting a committed relationship with someone whose heart is still with their former partner while their body is with you, can be very depressing and frustrating. You will never be able to get the best out of a partner who is still holding on to their past. This behavior punishes the other partner who is in need of real love and cannot get it because the partner still desires who they were with. Here is the truth about this kind of relationship

  1. He’s not over his ex-girlfriend yet. He is still in love with his former partner! Getting over a former relationship is not so easy especially if the partners dated for a long time or if the relationship was near marriage. However, it is something that must be done in order to enjoy a new relationship. When someone is not over their former partner they talk about the person with a longing to go back to them or regret of the break up. Note that, there’s nothing wrong if you fiancé talks about his ex-girlfriend to you, this is a sign that he can open up to you but if he does it deliberately to spite you or to express regret about the previous relationship then that calls for concerns.
  2. He’s using the qualities of his ex to “rate” you. If he talked that much about that former partner, it is also an indication that he is wishing that the qualities of that person exist in you. Unfortunately, God did not make us in that way. Everyone is unique and he will not enjoy a relationship with you until he appreciates your uniqueness. If his former partner likes to wear miniskirts and you like to wear dresses, if he makes you do it, it means that he’s trying to see that person in you and not because he appreciates your uniqueness of preference to dresses.
  3. He believes that his ex is better than you. Agreed that he may still be hurting, but he should not use his hurt to make you a victim. You deserve to enjoy a healthy relationship. If he keeps comparing you, it is a sign that he is convince that his former partner is better than you. People always prefer what they are convince is the best. Constantly comparing you to someone who should be treated as past is a sign that you are not yet his best. When he sees you as better than his former partner that equating will dwindle.
  4. He’s using you to get over the hurt. Many people get into a new relationship immediately ending one in order to escape the hurt and lonely from the just ended relationship. Wrong move. When you do not allow yourself heal properly from a break up you not only end up hurting yourself, you also hurt the new partner who may not know or understand that you are using them to ‘massage’ your hurt. Not waiting enough to get healed from a break up will also make your partner put unnecessary pressure on you to meet an emotional demand caused by the previous relationship. Instead of your partner to cry away the hurt for instance, they would rather spend the time with you ‘sucking’ care and attention without giving back. He wants you to be with him when he wants, he doesn’t want excuse of whether you can make it or not. And when you don’t’ he thinks you don’t love him enough! Or you are not proving.
  5. He’s insensitive. A person who still desires his former relationship is not going to care much about how you feel about him openly displaying how much he misses her; whether he makes you feel jealous or hurt. Insensitivity comes with selfishness. Infact in their sub conscious, they believe they are doing you good for dating you. They can appear to intentional hurt you because they believe they are the most important person in the relationship. He’s not going to care
  6. He’s not ready to move on. I know how it is to be in a relationship with someone who wants to get into the future but not ready to move. Not even ready to take the first step. One indication to know if he is ready to move on is the fact that he would have been over his former partner before starting a relationship with you. Unfortunately there’s not much you can do because it is a decision and action he has to take. But then, you also have to ask yourself if you are ready to remain in a relationship with someone who doesn’t want to get past their former partner.
  7. If the opportunity presents itself he could dump you and go back to her. This is a truth! Especially if his former girlfriend was the one who called off the relationship. Indication may even be that he is still hoping and expecting that that former person may walk back into his life if she is not already committed to someone else. This is going to make it difficult for him to give to making a relationship with you work. You are going to be doing more for the survival of that relationship.

WHY ARE YOU STILL PUTTING UP WITH HIM?

Most of the time why people put up in a hurting relationship is because

  1. They are afraid to hurt. You should not put up with wrong relationship because you think you may hurt too much. It is better to hurt a while and make a good decision when the hurt is over than to remain in a hurting relationship. You can never be happy with a partner that makes you unhappy. Is this true about you?
  2. They think they have invested too much time, money, and whatever resources. Every relationship is an investment and whether it turns out for good or otherwise there are some things you can never get back. Whatever you may have given to the relationship once it does not make you fulfilled cut it off.
  3. The fear of starting again especially if the person thinks he or she is ‘too mature’. It is better to get into the right relationship at 50 than to remain in the wrong one from when you are 25. You are in no relationship competition with anyone so get it all over again if or when there’s a need.
  4. ‘What will people say’ syndrome. I understand that feeling when you have told all your friends and family members that you are engaged and then you are no longer sure because you are not happy with your decision. What you should consider first is not how you friends will feel but how YOU will feel if you remain with a choice that is not giving you happiness.

What you can do

  1. Talk to him. Communication is an important key in any relationship. Tell him that his comparing you to his former partner is hurting you and affecting your relationship. Don’t just say “he should know after all he’s the one saying it”. Pretend he doesn’t know and tell him. He may just be ignorant. Say it to him.
  2. Watch out if he’s truly over the person. Did he ‘repent’? If he listens to you AND APOLOGISE, then give him some time to CONVINCE YOU OF THIS CHANGE. Getting over a past relationship may take years, be patient with him ensuring that he is no longer using his reference to his former partner to spite or hurt you.
  3. Walk away. If he doesn’t change or defends the former partner, then you may need to consider pulling away. Walking away from a relationship you thought should work is not going to be an easy decision for you. If your partner won’t change to take into consideration your feelings on his reference to his former relationship then you might as well walk away.
  4. There’s nothing prayer cannot do. Before you said yes to him did you pray about it? Were you convinced? Before you got committed to him did you pray about totally getting over your past relationships? The truth is that, sometimes breaking an emotional attachment can only be made possible by the help of God. When you started noticing that he was consistently comparing you did you pray? Never underestimate the importance of prayer in your relationship. You don’t’ wait to get married before you begin to invite God into the relation.
  5. Never get into a relationship with someone who is not committed to God FIRST. Marriage takes more than feelings and having fun times always. You will need God all the way.

Shalom!

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