“My relationship is a little over two years old but we got engaged late last year. We planned to get married in December. I didn’t know God when we met but she was born again and active in her church. She led me to Christ and encouraged me to become regular in church. Everything seemed to be going well until few weeks after accepting my proposal openly, during her birthday party. She told me that God told her not to marry me, with no reason.She had said we can remain friends. I still don’t want to accept that I am not getting married to her anymore. I can’t understand how God would say this,”
I would not say I understand totally how you feel but I know this is heart breaking and heartbreak is not easy to bear. It’s hard watching a relationship you have built in the past years crumble and you can’t do anything to help it. It is worse when you know you haven’t done anything wrong. When your partner tells you she’s acting on “GOD’S” instruction, debating it or telling her to do others may become difficult if not impossible. Especially if she is someone who waits to get a confirmation from God on every issue before she proceed to do them.
Here are my suggestions:
RESPECT HER WISH and the said instruction from God
If you had issues before she said she was quitting the relationship, it would have been easier to give a straight forward advice. Or if she had expressed any doubt from the onset about being in a committed relationship with you, then you wouldn’t have been surprised. So it gets difficult especially as she claimed GOD told her. You can’t dispute that God didn’t tell her since you were not present when God spoke to her about the relationship. Respect her wish even if you wouldn’t believe her, accept it. That may be her own way of saying she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Respecting her wish does not mean that you stop seeing her if she says you can still be friends. You never can tell she could be going through other personal issues that she may not want you to know of and letting you go maybe a way to handle her personal issues. Since you also claim to know God, pray and seek the Lord’s face concerning this. He’s not the author of confusion and pain. If God has anything against your relationship, no matter how hurting you are, you will have peace about the separation.
DON’T FORCE IT
One of the mistakes people make in relationship especially in a long term relationship is trying to force it to make it happen. If a relationship is not ‘happening’ naturally, it will only be a matter of time before it begins to fall apart again. Don’t force yourself on anyone. We each deserve to be celebrated especially by the person you intend to spend the rest of your life with. If you force a relationship that is not meant to be, you are going to keep forcing it to work as long as you remain with that partner. A forced relationship can make the other partner cheat because they will never be satisfied with a forced choice. If you have tried to see that she takes you back and she still insist that she doesn’t want the relationship, then let it be. it is better to wait for a new relationship than be in one that would cause you hurt.
DON’T BECOME VINDICTIVE
It’s easy to want to revenge when we are hurt. We want to hurt the other person so they can feel the same pain we are going through or worse. We want to get our own pound of flesh when we feel we have been unduly treated. It’s even worse for a long term relationship, some people would even want to revenge to the extent that they do not want the former partner to marry someone else. Rom 12:19, “Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.
FIND COMFORT IN GOD’S WORD
I am glad you mentioned in your note that you are having a walk with God. In times like these when no one really understand how you feel and when even you cannot give explanation on how you feel you can turn to God and just let Him take control. “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3. Those who trust, rely on and have confidence in Him are never disappointed. The truth is, heartbreak does not mean that you are no longer in the will or plan of God. Jer 29:11, “For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” He has good plans for you in spite of your hurts and He’s going to bring someone your way that would cause you to rejoice.
TALK TO SOMEONE
When you are hurting you become irrational in your thinking and action. And you would want to justify your irrational behavior and utterances. You need to pour out your heart, you need someone who can hear your own side of the story, and someone who you think should believe you more than the other person. Talk to someone you trust and someone who can empathize on what you are going through, who can walk with you through the hurting journey. Some friends can make you hurt the more by reminding you of how much time and other resources you have wasted in building the relationship. Avoid these set of friends, instead stay with a friend that would encourage you to see hope and a bright future with or without this partner.
It is usually not easy to forgive someone who hurt you especially when they do not have a ‘believable’ reason for doing what they did. You have to forgive anyway so you can move on. The truth is when you forgive, you are doing yourself more good than her. Forgiveness also opens your heart to God’s healing and a hope for a better future even if she doesn’t agree to continue with the relationship. Unforgiveness will stand in the way of your relationship with God and prevents you from receiving His blessings for your life. Matthew 6:15, “But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” If you do not forgive, don’t expect God to forgive you no matter how much you pray and fast.
TAKE SOME TIME TO EVALUATE
So the relationship is no longer working and she is insisting that God told her to stop. Fine. It’s a time for you to evaluate if there were times when she communicated her fears about getting married to you. Some women assume a man should know what’s going on in her mind without them speaking about it. You may need to review the times both of you argued if she spoke about things she was not sure of. Don’t be hard on yourself if you cannot come up with anything. No matter how good you are, you cannot please some people if they don’t want to be pleased. You also need to evaluate yourself on what are the things you did in the relationship that you would not want take to the next relationship
Trusting God means to ABSOLUTELY depend on Him no matter the situation. When plans do not work the way we intended, we get disappointed and sometimes threatens our confidence in God. But the truth is, your disappointments and hurt does not change or reduce God from being Who He is – Sovereign God. You have to trust Him for divine wisdom on how best to react to the situation. You have to trust Him for grace to move on with life irrespective of the plans you may have made with this person. Proverbs 3:5-6, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.”
Moving on from hurt is easier said. I know. Even after you have been healed and gone past the former partner, you become cautious of the next relationship hoping that you would not make same mistake or guiding your heart so that you will not be hurt the second time. It is a good thing to be careful so you are not burnt the second time but once you have put your trust in God, you are going to allow Him do the moving on for you. If remaining just platonic friends with your former partner gives you bad memories, then don’t be. If you still hurt when you see her pictures, then put the pictures away. If you have anything that gives you hurting memories of the former partner, put it away. You are not going to be able to give your best to your new relationship if you still keep holding on to the past.
LOVE LIFE AND HAVE SOME FUN
It’s easy to withdraw from social life especially if people already know you together as a couple. You do this because you don’t want to be the one telling people that the relationship did not work. As much as this is not a good place to be, you need to continue living your life. Answer to any question as sincere and as brief as possible without attributing any ill statement to your former partner. Whatever may have happened, she is still a child of God just like you. Spend time with those who care about you, laugh some more, do the things that make you happy and just enjoy life while you are waiting for God’s next choice.
“Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.” I Cor 2:9